The Ironic Priesthood

September 27, 2006

The Choicest Fruit : I Don’t Give a Plock

Filed under: Letters to the Editor, Uncategorized — elderbarrywhine @ 11:40 pm

Reader’s Forum, Sept. 27, 2006

I wouldn’t normally let this bother me, but “Honey, if You Love Me, Smile (and if Not, Don’t)” by Laurie Frost (Sept. 25) was, in my opinion, a waste of literary space. For one thing, I have a pet peeve about the word “crap.” I don’t think it should be used by people trying to keep their conversations on a higher level of decency. We all know what word it is a substitute for, therefore, it bothers me personally; but maybe I’m just eccentric in this regard. Secondly, I have heard that the best way to get rid of an enemy is to make him or her your friend. Being insincere and snide in conversation is not mutually uplifting and not in keeping with gospel teachings. Remember the phrase, “WWJD.”

Sorry if I missed the whole tenor of the article. Was it meant to be parody or tongue-in-cheek?

Lacy D. Croft

Memphis, Tenn.

So, apparently we need to come up with a new slang word for crap, one that not everyone knows what it means, in order to not offend this person. From this site: http://aj.hd.org/TFTC/E.html
I’m going to offer “plock” as the new word to use when designating offal.

Personally, I am going to choose to be offended by the ‘phrase’ “WWJD” – because all of the letters are capitalized in this acronym, it does not show the proper respect for the Savior’s name. A more proper rendition might be “wwJd.” Heaven forbid if I was being snide or insincere, though. After all, I intended this to be tongue-in-cheek, so that makes it alright.

September 26, 2006

Other activities for which Eric Russell is justly proud

Filed under: ¿Humor? — thehighpriest @ 9:59 pm

Having recently revealed the pleasure Bro. Russell took in scrubbing the toilet of former BYU President and current member of the Quorum of the Seventy Merrill J. Bateman, Bro. Russell kindly provided this website with a list of other activities of which he is justly proud.

He has collected:

  • the eye grit from the eyes of Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin (he keeps it in a mason jar on his bathroom counter).
  • the shaven back hair of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (he has woven it into a dreamcatcher that hangs over his bed).
  • the hairy soupy circle from the shower of President Cecil O. Samuelson, current president of BYU (he keeps it in the glove compartment of his car)
  • and, the remnants of a half-eaten cantaloupe that touched the lips of President Thomas S. Monson (to be sold on Deseret Book Auctions when you-know-what happens)

We at theironicpriesthood applaud Bro. Russell’s devotion to the very personal and hygienic habits of our church’s leaders.  After all, our leaders are not infallible.  At long last, thanks to Bro. Russell’s dedication, we will soon be able to learn if, in fact, their…uh…offal…doesn’t stink.

September 25, 2006

Carnal Knowledge in the ‘Nacle

Filed under: ¿Humor? — thehighpriest @ 7:45 pm

As the weather cools, it has become clear that the blood has het up within and without the confines of the Mormon blogosphere.  As proof, I give the following:

Rusty waxes nostalgic about the lips he once kissed.

Steve Evans tells us what he and his wife do in bed (answer: read old conference talks about chastity).

And, in a piece featured in the New York Times, BYU is named the worst university in America for learning about sex.

Apparently, BYU ranked last because it doesn’t have any online information about sex ed, it doesn’t provide condoms in dorms, and it doesn’t have a full-time sex advice columnist employed at the Daily Universe.  At least, that is what I learned from this editorial at the Daily Universe, where they felt compelled to justify their lack of a sex columnist.

Frankly, I am glad.  Can you imagine the kind of advice that would be given?  [on a side not, if you can, don’t put it in the comments.  We will delete it and really would prefer you just keep that to yourself].

Let me end with this true story, told me by Mrs. thehighpriest.  She used to babysit for a couple, the man of which was a BYU professor.  Prominently displayed on their toilet, for all who wandered into their bathroom to see, was an extra large box of condoms (she estimated hundreds were to be found in there).  So, remember, even if the school ain’t doing the educatin’, someone is.  That said, if you need me, I’ll be over in the corner with my eyes closed and my fingers in my ears, singing “La La La” at the top of my voice.

September 21, 2006

We Got the Beat!

Filed under: DU Police Beat, Uncategorized — elderbarrywhine @ 11:53 pm

Sept. 15: The Creamery on Ninth East reported an argument. The confrontation began with two parties then a third party attempted to intervene. The agitation was over the use of an I-pod.

So, arguing is an issue for the Police now? What about Free Speech?

Sept. 13: A female student reported a suspicious male staring at females near the Morris Center. A police officer made contact with the man who said he hadn’t been staring at anyone, but that he did say hello to a female with a baby. The man has already been issued a restraining order for a previous incident.

For once, I feel like there’s actually more to this story than is being reported on. How bad does it have to get before people report you for staring? Maybe it helps if you’re not very good-looking.

August 15, 2006

The choicest fruit: Great Expectations

Filed under: Letters to the Editor — thehighpriest @ 7:02 pm

Hello.  After a brief hiatus, we are back.  However, I believe that today is the last fresh Daily Universe we will be getting for a couple of weeks.  We had better strike while the fish are jumping.

Immodest beauty queens

On the cover of the August 10th Daily Universe I saw a mystery that has been puzzling me for some time now. At the top right hand cover I meet Miss Utah, my young daughters to-be idol posing in her exemplary costume for Miss Whatever. I proceed to page five to read glowing reports of her accomplishments, including being a graduate from BYU.

Do we have different versions of the dress code at BYU for those in public acclaim and in performance mediums? I remember attending a dance performance at BYU some years ago that mirrored the type of dress we see here, so I don’t see it as anything new. I have seen apostles daughters in similar contests with similar attire. What goes?

If I am being elusive, allow me to be blunt-Is cleavage modest for those in front of the camera? Maybe I am not looking at this from the proper perspective, I know there are sports that require a type of dress that will accommodate a sport activity; what sport is this one? Perhaps our youth are learning quickly from these role models as I have noticed that it is no longer unusual to see many BYU coeds dressed similarly as they attend class here.

I look forward to any answer that is in the least bit logical.

Fauna C. Smith

Springville

Really, I think that  we can all look forward to seeing Ms. Smith’s hopes dashed regarding her last request.  If nothing else, I think that her decision to put beauty pageant contestants at the center of the culture war is justified.  We’re looking at you, Charlene Wells! (in a totally appropriate manner, of course).

July 31, 2006

The [most] recent FMH sex post: sanitized for your convenience

Filed under: ¿Humor? — thehighpriest @ 11:30 pm

WARNING: Because this website seeks to maintain something like a G-rating, we will be employing ridiculous euphemisms in order to avoid offending the sensitivities of our more elevated readers. Nonetheless, we may need to raise the rating to PG for this post. Please set expectations low and slap any children who wander by the screen. Thank you.

Not Ophelia asked: Which is worse marrying someone you don’t love because you don’t think you’ll ever meet another person who will be willing to[rearrange furniture] with you ever again, or [buy wholesale] with that person without marrying and then repenting later?

generic pro response: Of course she should [check out library books] with that person before marriage. Flings are temporary and people can learn from them. Marriage is forever and no-one wants to learn in it. Also, people [order DSL] in the South Pacific all the time, or so I’ve heard. Oh, and she really ought to learn to [file her 2006 income taxes] by herself. Why are the Brethren so hung up on sex, anyway? What are they, obsessed?

The Wiz noted: Why exactly are these her only two options? If these really were her only two options, there are other serious problems that need to be addressed first.

Denae responded: Everybody treats the repentant sinner as a cancer and would rather dip their hand in sulfuric acid than speak civilly to her! I assume this based on a series of other assumptions. So don’t judge!

The general gist of several other comments suggested: I had an authority figure in the church (or near the church) once tell me that everybody would be happy if they [washed the dishes] prior to marriage.

Seth R. cogently noted: We are commanded not to so indulge…We are [also] advised not to be idiots. Also, [filling out applications] by yourself wouldn’t solve the marriage problem anyway!

Rosalynde noted: That’s well and good for you, but I plan on being a bad influence on my daughter, so you people need to shape up and straighten her out for me!

Matt Thurston noted: It’s great for all of you super-humans out there to counsel self-control and abstinence but you don’t seem to understand exactly how much I enjoy [painting watercolors]. It’s just different for those people who really like it.

fmhLisa added: Word! I’m just lucky my DH is a sweetie-pie as well as a chupacabra in the matter of [photocopying death certificates]. Otherwise, I’d have probably left him by now for Matt.

jj furthermored: The problem isn’t all the [shopping for new cars]. It’s that people get married too young in the church. If only there was some way to examine the moral development of people in the church, some means for assuring that those who enter into the temple are responsible and capable of keeping the covenants of temple marriage. Of course, this is some sort of unfulfilled dream that I shall never see come to pass in my lifetime. Here’s a thought, maybe the moral ones should carry a card around.

Sonnet additionallied: Women in the church must get married. If they do not, they are hit on later in life by weird older gentlemen. Therefore, hasty marriages are their only legitimate option!

Finally, Mary Alice intuited: The Church hates the desire to [hop on one foot] amongst the single and therefore seeks to punish them by encouraging the married to [go birdwatching] all the time, preferably in front of the children. Marriage is just about [stamp collecting], after all.

And so it goes…

July 27, 2006

Conservative economist notes several striking similarities between rich and poor

Filed under: ¿Humor? — thehighpriest @ 7:06 pm

Frank McIntyre, a permablogger at Times and Seasons and a professor of economics at Brigham Young University, noted yesterday that the rich and poor both must sacrifice in the church.  While all are called upon to give up 10% of their income, this is considered a superior sacrifice for the poor, because they have less to begin with.  McIntyre notes that the rich are often called to positions of leadership, despite often having less time than the poor.  So, it turns out, both the rich and the poor must sacrifice something.  Surely the poor can use this to knowledge to keep themselves warm at night, as they have no blankets.

Other similarities noted include both rich and poor tend to eat food, have bad hair days, cry at the end of Field of Dreams, and get occasional paper cuts.  Beyond this, Prof. McIntyre cannot say as, being a university economics professor, he has no idea of what it is like to be rich.

The choicest fruit: I’m lovin’ it

Filed under: Letters to the Editor — thehighpriest @ 6:48 pm

It turns out that the letter to the editor that was selected last Wed sparked some controversy as nearly all of today’s letters dealt with it in one capacity or another.  However, I found this response particularly tantalizing.

Hard workers

Two years ago I was living in another country learning and speaking another language. While there although I spoke fluently the native language I still very much enjoyed speaking to friends in English. I even enjoyed eating at places such as McDonalds and Pizza Hut.

I will usually be at the forefront of protest against illegal immigration but what Marc Jones is protesting is Latin Americans. A free ride is the furthest from the truth. These our brothers and sisters work harder than many of us ever have and earn half as much. They do whatever they can from working in the fields, to working at McDonalds, to even opening their own markets to sell goods that others want (including me).

Taylor Cline

Frazier Park, Ca.

Aside from questioning the one-to-one equivalence that this guy seems to place between immigration and fast food, why is he so obsessed with McDonalds?  Doesn’t he know that the Double Texas Whopper (now on sale at Burger King) is the best burger around?

July 25, 2006

Speed Dating introduced to LDS Singles; Temple Weddings skyrocket

Filed under: ¿Humor? — thehighpriest @ 9:10 pm

With the recent introduction of Speed Dating to the LDS single social scene, the combination of unrealistic ideals, romantic delusions, ripe libidos, and societal pressure has resulted in a further iteration of the phenomenon: the Speed Wedding.

Couples who meet at the Speed Dating event have decided that, since they hit it off so well in an artificially-structured event for desperate people, they should probably continue to make future important life decisions in a similar manner.  To accomodate the changing needs of their customers, speed dating organizers have begun to hold events exclusively in temple parking lots, with tux and (temple appropriate) bridal gown rentals and photography offered.  “Since we’ve started the service, we’ve had 546 weddings,” said Mandy Wainwright, an event organizer, “That’s a lot, considering that we’ve only been doing this since last Thursday.”

When asked to comment on this development, Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the LDS Quorum of the Twelve Apostles seemed to generally approve of it, adding, “So long as they’re not hanging out.”

The choicest fruit: They have come for our manuals!

Filed under: Letters to the Editor — thehighpriest @ 8:59 pm

Today’s Daily Universe brought us another choice and strangely-paragraphed dalliance with paranoia.  Beware the tri-lingual instruction manual; it is a portent of doom. 

A free ride

Recently I received an owner’s manual for a new cell phone which I purchased and was surprised at the length of it. Flipping through it I discovered that it had all the information twice, once in English and once in Spanish. This is yet another example of the cause of the illegal immigration problem that plagues our country. Once an illegal alien crosses our border, life significantly increases for them.

These illegal aliens are able to get good jobs where they don’t have to pay taxes; they receive free education, free medical care, government assistance and in some states can even acquire driver’s licenses. American companies also cater to these illegal aliens, they

put package information in Spanish, they create supermarkets catered towards them, and all businesses are more than willing to speak Spanish to their customers. Even politicians cater to these illegals

so that they can acquire the Hispanic minority vote. We as a society are telling them to stay out through our laws while our actions tell them otherwise. If we as a nation truly want to end the destructive effects of illegal immigration (higher taxes, increased crime and drugs), we don’t need to build walls and create guest worker programs, we need to stop giving them everything for free. If this country stopped giving free medical care, education, government assistance and jobs then they would not come any more. Illegal aliens are harmful to

our nation, but it is our fault that there are here.

Marc Jones Ft. Collins, CO

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