The Ironic Priesthood

September 28, 2006

Beat it!

Filed under: DU Police Beat, Uncategorized — elderbarrywhine @ 11:56 pm

Sept. 23: An assault was reported at the BYU vs. Utah State football game on Saturday. The victim, a male BYU student, was standing in front of the suspect, a female BYU student, and obstructing the female’s view of the game. The female asked the male, who didn’t have a ticket in that section of the stadium, to sit down or move. The man refused. An argument ensued and the event’s staff asked the man to sit down, which he would not. The male victim allegedly called the suspect a derogatory name and asked her, “What are you going to do to get me to sit down? Slap me?” The female suspect then slapped the male victim. The victim did not press charges.

No, but he did press his luck. Here’s a little hint to all you single guys out there: annoying is not attractive.

Sept. 22: A female BYU student reported a suspicious male in the Talmage Building asking her personal questions and hitting himself. The man was gone when police arrived.

Here’s another dating tip: Don’t bother inflicting pain on yourself when talking to girls; the pain will come naturally as a result of spending time with them. Become a monk now and live a stress-free life!


September 27, 2006

The Choicest Fruit : I Don’t Give a Plock

Filed under: Letters to the Editor, Uncategorized — elderbarrywhine @ 11:40 pm

Reader’s Forum, Sept. 27, 2006

I wouldn’t normally let this bother me, but “Honey, if You Love Me, Smile (and if Not, Don’t)” by Laurie Frost (Sept. 25) was, in my opinion, a waste of literary space. For one thing, I have a pet peeve about the word “crap.” I don’t think it should be used by people trying to keep their conversations on a higher level of decency. We all know what word it is a substitute for, therefore, it bothers me personally; but maybe I’m just eccentric in this regard. Secondly, I have heard that the best way to get rid of an enemy is to make him or her your friend. Being insincere and snide in conversation is not mutually uplifting and not in keeping with gospel teachings. Remember the phrase, “WWJD.”

Sorry if I missed the whole tenor of the article. Was it meant to be parody or tongue-in-cheek?

Lacy D. Croft

Memphis, Tenn.

So, apparently we need to come up with a new slang word for crap, one that not everyone knows what it means, in order to not offend this person. From this site:
I’m going to offer “plock” as the new word to use when designating offal.

Personally, I am going to choose to be offended by the ‘phrase’ “WWJD” – because all of the letters are capitalized in this acronym, it does not show the proper respect for the Savior’s name. A more proper rendition might be “wwJd.” Heaven forbid if I was being snide or insincere, though. After all, I intended this to be tongue-in-cheek, so that makes it alright.

September 26, 2006

Other activities for which Eric Russell is justly proud

Filed under: ¿Humor? — thehighpriest @ 9:59 pm

Having recently revealed the pleasure Bro. Russell took in scrubbing the toilet of former BYU President and current member of the Quorum of the Seventy Merrill J. Bateman, Bro. Russell kindly provided this website with a list of other activities of which he is justly proud.

He has collected:

  • the eye grit from the eyes of Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin (he keeps it in a mason jar on his bathroom counter).
  • the shaven back hair of Elder Jeffrey R. Holland (he has woven it into a dreamcatcher that hangs over his bed).
  • the hairy soupy circle from the shower of President Cecil O. Samuelson, current president of BYU (he keeps it in the glove compartment of his car)
  • and, the remnants of a half-eaten cantaloupe that touched the lips of President Thomas S. Monson (to be sold on Deseret Book Auctions when you-know-what happens)

We at theironicpriesthood applaud Bro. Russell’s devotion to the very personal and hygienic habits of our church’s leaders.  After all, our leaders are not infallible.  At long last, thanks to Bro. Russell’s dedication, we will soon be able to learn if, in fact, their…uh…offal…doesn’t stink.

September 25, 2006

Carnal Knowledge in the ‘Nacle

Filed under: ¿Humor? — thehighpriest @ 7:45 pm

As the weather cools, it has become clear that the blood has het up within and without the confines of the Mormon blogosphere.  As proof, I give the following:

Rusty waxes nostalgic about the lips he once kissed.

Steve Evans tells us what he and his wife do in bed (answer: read old conference talks about chastity).

And, in a piece featured in the New York Times, BYU is named the worst university in America for learning about sex.

Apparently, BYU ranked last because it doesn’t have any online information about sex ed, it doesn’t provide condoms in dorms, and it doesn’t have a full-time sex advice columnist employed at the Daily Universe.  At least, that is what I learned from this editorial at the Daily Universe, where they felt compelled to justify their lack of a sex columnist.

Frankly, I am glad.  Can you imagine the kind of advice that would be given?  [on a side not, if you can, don’t put it in the comments.  We will delete it and really would prefer you just keep that to yourself].

Let me end with this true story, told me by Mrs. thehighpriest.  She used to babysit for a couple, the man of which was a BYU professor.  Prominently displayed on their toilet, for all who wandered into their bathroom to see, was an extra large box of condoms (she estimated hundreds were to be found in there).  So, remember, even if the school ain’t doing the educatin’, someone is.  That said, if you need me, I’ll be over in the corner with my eyes closed and my fingers in my ears, singing “La La La” at the top of my voice.

September 21, 2006

We Got the Beat!

Filed under: DU Police Beat, Uncategorized — elderbarrywhine @ 11:53 pm

Sept. 15: The Creamery on Ninth East reported an argument. The confrontation began with two parties then a third party attempted to intervene. The agitation was over the use of an I-pod.

So, arguing is an issue for the Police now? What about Free Speech?

Sept. 13: A female student reported a suspicious male staring at females near the Morris Center. A police officer made contact with the man who said he hadn’t been staring at anyone, but that he did say hello to a female with a baby. The man has already been issued a restraining order for a previous incident.

For once, I feel like there’s actually more to this story than is being reported on. How bad does it have to get before people report you for staring? Maybe it helps if you’re not very good-looking.

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