The Ironic Priesthood

July 31, 2006

The [most] recent FMH sex post: sanitized for your convenience

Filed under: ¿Humor? — thehighpriest @ 11:30 pm

WARNING: Because this website seeks to maintain something like a G-rating, we will be employing ridiculous euphemisms in order to avoid offending the sensitivities of our more elevated readers. Nonetheless, we may need to raise the rating to PG for this post. Please set expectations low and slap any children who wander by the screen. Thank you.

Not Ophelia asked: Which is worse marrying someone you don’t love because you don’t think you’ll ever meet another person who will be willing to[rearrange furniture] with you ever again, or [buy wholesale] with that person without marrying and then repenting later?

generic pro response: Of course she should [check out library books] with that person before marriage. Flings are temporary and people can learn from them. Marriage is forever and no-one wants to learn in it. Also, people [order DSL] in the South Pacific all the time, or so I’ve heard. Oh, and she really ought to learn to [file her 2006 income taxes] by herself. Why are the Brethren so hung up on sex, anyway? What are they, obsessed?

The Wiz noted: Why exactly are these her only two options? If these really were her only two options, there are other serious problems that need to be addressed first.

Denae responded: Everybody treats the repentant sinner as a cancer and would rather dip their hand in sulfuric acid than speak civilly to her! I assume this based on a series of other assumptions. So don’t judge!

The general gist of several other comments suggested: I had an authority figure in the church (or near the church) once tell me that everybody would be happy if they [washed the dishes] prior to marriage.

Seth R. cogently noted: We are commanded not to so indulge…We are [also] advised not to be idiots. Also, [filling out applications] by yourself wouldn’t solve the marriage problem anyway!

Rosalynde noted: That’s well and good for you, but I plan on being a bad influence on my daughter, so you people need to shape up and straighten her out for me!

Matt Thurston noted: It’s great for all of you super-humans out there to counsel self-control and abstinence but you don’t seem to understand exactly how much I enjoy [painting watercolors]. It’s just different for those people who really like it.

fmhLisa added: Word! I’m just lucky my DH is a sweetie-pie as well as a chupacabra in the matter of [photocopying death certificates]. Otherwise, I’d have probably left him by now for Matt.

jj furthermored: The problem isn’t all the [shopping for new cars]. It’s that people get married too young in the church. If only there was some way to examine the moral development of people in the church, some means for assuring that those who enter into the temple are responsible and capable of keeping the covenants of temple marriage. Of course, this is some sort of unfulfilled dream that I shall never see come to pass in my lifetime. Here’s a thought, maybe the moral ones should carry a card around.

Sonnet additionallied: Women in the church must get married. If they do not, they are hit on later in life by weird older gentlemen. Therefore, hasty marriages are their only legitimate option!

Finally, Mary Alice intuited: The Church hates the desire to [hop on one foot] amongst the single and therefore seeks to punish them by encouraging the married to [go birdwatching] all the time, preferably in front of the children. Marriage is just about [stamp collecting], after all.

And so it goes…

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2 Comments »

  1. Ah yes. where would the ‘nalce be without fMh’s contstant barrage of the solo filing of income tax returns or the “end” byproduct of very young offspring. Thanks for this lighthearted lampoon! Well done.

    Comment by Guy Murray — July 31, 2006 @ 11:45 pm

  2. I don’t know how you came up with so many euphenisms for [cleaning out the litterbox], but it was hilarious to read this way.

    I don’t know if I ever told you this or not, but my stepfather told me that I should [defrag the hard drive] before getting married, because I should find out if were compatible in that way. Could lead to marital difficulties, otherwise. In truth, there are millions of way to find marital trouble, so why bother?

    Comment by FHL — August 1, 2006 @ 6:00 pm


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