The Ironic Priesthood

July 31, 2006

The [most] recent FMH sex post: sanitized for your convenience

Filed under: ¿Humor? — thehighpriest @ 11:30 pm

WARNING: Because this website seeks to maintain something like a G-rating, we will be employing ridiculous euphemisms in order to avoid offending the sensitivities of our more elevated readers. Nonetheless, we may need to raise the rating to PG for this post. Please set expectations low and slap any children who wander by the screen. Thank you.

Not Ophelia asked: Which is worse marrying someone you don’t love because you don’t think you’ll ever meet another person who will be willing to[rearrange furniture] with you ever again, or [buy wholesale] with that person without marrying and then repenting later?

generic pro response: Of course she should [check out library books] with that person before marriage. Flings are temporary and people can learn from them. Marriage is forever and no-one wants to learn in it. Also, people [order DSL] in the South Pacific all the time, or so I’ve heard. Oh, and she really ought to learn to [file her 2006 income taxes] by herself. Why are the Brethren so hung up on sex, anyway? What are they, obsessed?

The Wiz noted: Why exactly are these her only two options? If these really were her only two options, there are other serious problems that need to be addressed first.

Denae responded: Everybody treats the repentant sinner as a cancer and would rather dip their hand in sulfuric acid than speak civilly to her! I assume this based on a series of other assumptions. So don’t judge!

The general gist of several other comments suggested: I had an authority figure in the church (or near the church) once tell me that everybody would be happy if they [washed the dishes] prior to marriage.

Seth R. cogently noted: We are commanded not to so indulge…We are [also] advised not to be idiots. Also, [filling out applications] by yourself wouldn’t solve the marriage problem anyway!

Rosalynde noted: That’s well and good for you, but I plan on being a bad influence on my daughter, so you people need to shape up and straighten her out for me!

Matt Thurston noted: It’s great for all of you super-humans out there to counsel self-control and abstinence but you don’t seem to understand exactly how much I enjoy [painting watercolors]. It’s just different for those people who really like it.

fmhLisa added: Word! I’m just lucky my DH is a sweetie-pie as well as a chupacabra in the matter of [photocopying death certificates]. Otherwise, I’d have probably left him by now for Matt.

jj furthermored: The problem isn’t all the [shopping for new cars]. It’s that people get married too young in the church. If only there was some way to examine the moral development of people in the church, some means for assuring that those who enter into the temple are responsible and capable of keeping the covenants of temple marriage. Of course, this is some sort of unfulfilled dream that I shall never see come to pass in my lifetime. Here’s a thought, maybe the moral ones should carry a card around.

Sonnet additionallied: Women in the church must get married. If they do not, they are hit on later in life by weird older gentlemen. Therefore, hasty marriages are their only legitimate option!

Finally, Mary Alice intuited: The Church hates the desire to [hop on one foot] amongst the single and therefore seeks to punish them by encouraging the married to [go birdwatching] all the time, preferably in front of the children. Marriage is just about [stamp collecting], after all.

And so it goes…

July 27, 2006

Conservative economist notes several striking similarities between rich and poor

Filed under: ¿Humor? — thehighpriest @ 7:06 pm

Frank McIntyre, a permablogger at Times and Seasons and a professor of economics at Brigham Young University, noted yesterday that the rich and poor both must sacrifice in the church.  While all are called upon to give up 10% of their income, this is considered a superior sacrifice for the poor, because they have less to begin with.  McIntyre notes that the rich are often called to positions of leadership, despite often having less time than the poor.  So, it turns out, both the rich and the poor must sacrifice something.  Surely the poor can use this to knowledge to keep themselves warm at night, as they have no blankets.

Other similarities noted include both rich and poor tend to eat food, have bad hair days, cry at the end of Field of Dreams, and get occasional paper cuts.  Beyond this, Prof. McIntyre cannot say as, being a university economics professor, he has no idea of what it is like to be rich.

The choicest fruit: I’m lovin’ it

Filed under: Letters to the Editor — thehighpriest @ 6:48 pm

It turns out that the letter to the editor that was selected last Wed sparked some controversy as nearly all of today’s letters dealt with it in one capacity or another.  However, I found this response particularly tantalizing.

Hard workers

Two years ago I was living in another country learning and speaking another language. While there although I spoke fluently the native language I still very much enjoyed speaking to friends in English. I even enjoyed eating at places such as McDonalds and Pizza Hut.

I will usually be at the forefront of protest against illegal immigration but what Marc Jones is protesting is Latin Americans. A free ride is the furthest from the truth. These our brothers and sisters work harder than many of us ever have and earn half as much. They do whatever they can from working in the fields, to working at McDonalds, to even opening their own markets to sell goods that others want (including me).

Taylor Cline

Frazier Park, Ca.

Aside from questioning the one-to-one equivalence that this guy seems to place between immigration and fast food, why is he so obsessed with McDonalds?  Doesn’t he know that the Double Texas Whopper (now on sale at Burger King) is the best burger around?

July 25, 2006

Speed Dating introduced to LDS Singles; Temple Weddings skyrocket

Filed under: ¿Humor? — thehighpriest @ 9:10 pm

With the recent introduction of Speed Dating to the LDS single social scene, the combination of unrealistic ideals, romantic delusions, ripe libidos, and societal pressure has resulted in a further iteration of the phenomenon: the Speed Wedding.

Couples who meet at the Speed Dating event have decided that, since they hit it off so well in an artificially-structured event for desperate people, they should probably continue to make future important life decisions in a similar manner.  To accomodate the changing needs of their customers, speed dating organizers have begun to hold events exclusively in temple parking lots, with tux and (temple appropriate) bridal gown rentals and photography offered.  “Since we’ve started the service, we’ve had 546 weddings,” said Mandy Wainwright, an event organizer, “That’s a lot, considering that we’ve only been doing this since last Thursday.”

When asked to comment on this development, Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the LDS Quorum of the Twelve Apostles seemed to generally approve of it, adding, “So long as they’re not hanging out.”

The choicest fruit: They have come for our manuals!

Filed under: Letters to the Editor — thehighpriest @ 8:59 pm

Today’s Daily Universe brought us another choice and strangely-paragraphed dalliance with paranoia.  Beware the tri-lingual instruction manual; it is a portent of doom. 

A free ride

Recently I received an owner’s manual for a new cell phone which I purchased and was surprised at the length of it. Flipping through it I discovered that it had all the information twice, once in English and once in Spanish. This is yet another example of the cause of the illegal immigration problem that plagues our country. Once an illegal alien crosses our border, life significantly increases for them.

These illegal aliens are able to get good jobs where they don’t have to pay taxes; they receive free education, free medical care, government assistance and in some states can even acquire driver’s licenses. American companies also cater to these illegal aliens, they

put package information in Spanish, they create supermarkets catered towards them, and all businesses are more than willing to speak Spanish to their customers. Even politicians cater to these illegals

so that they can acquire the Hispanic minority vote. We as a society are telling them to stay out through our laws while our actions tell them otherwise. If we as a nation truly want to end the destructive effects of illegal immigration (higher taxes, increased crime and drugs), we don’t need to build walls and create guest worker programs, we need to stop giving them everything for free. If this country stopped giving free medical care, education, government assistance and jobs then they would not come any more. Illegal aliens are harmful to

our nation, but it is our fault that there are here.

Marc Jones Ft. Collins, CO

July 21, 2006

The Bloggernacle is no place for sticks

Filed under: ¿Humor? — thehighpriest @ 9:05 pm

Today we got two inspiring stories revolving around the destruction of wooden boards.  Apparently, if the Bloggernacle went to Brazil, the rain forest would be clear cut in about two days.

July 20, 2006

The choicest fruit: Family…it’s about severe beatings

Filed under: Letters to the Editor — thehighpriest @ 5:52 pm

Today, we have two letters that encourage the death or abuse of EFY attendees.

Universal solution

With so many arguments spurring in the Daily Universe these days, I would like to propose a solution that should help all parties to feel satisfied. First of all, with the recent arguments concerning the tearing down of Deseret Towers, I would like to offer a small yet potent suggestion. To save money, we could simply demolish the buildings via explosives. Since there were no fireworks shows on the Fourth of July in Provo, I’m sure there are some leftover somewhere in the city. This would also attract local audiences who may still have a craving for that show. EFY kids could be in the buildings, which would solve the supposed CD-distribution dilemma as there would be no more CD’s needed on this campus. Given that there would still be some unemployed counselors, I bet they’d happily pick up the plums on the south end of campus.

Jeff Hill

Centennial, CO

Wet EFY Kids

Its about time someone pelted those annoying EFY kids with water balloons!! Besides, who in their right mind complains about that in the middle of July? They should have made those BYU students brownies! They clog up the WILK and every inch of sidewalk, yell in the hallways of the buildings, and push you as they are trying to get by! Next time a BYU throws a water balloon at an EFY student, listen closely… you will hear the sound of 30,000 sets of hands applauding.

Sharyl Escobosa

Ocala, FL

Well, we do talk a lot about the importance of the youth in the church.  I just didn’t realize we meant important as cannon fodder.

This is not the first time that Utah’s governor has chosen the wrong team

Filed under: ¿Humor? — thehighpriest @ 5:38 pm

Upon hearing that Governor Jon Huntsman, Jr, has chosen to support the right very unMormon candidate, John McCain, instead of Mitt Romney, we have done some investigating and discovered that this is not the first time that Huntsman has made a wrong choice.

In 1982, he shouted for joy when Dwight Clark made The Catch.

In 1983, he thought Mike Schmidt should have earned a third MVP.

He rooted for the Lakers throughout the 80’s.

Finally, he has long been a well-known Utes fan.

Clearly, there is nothing to be done except to ignore the poor man and pray he finds it acceptable in the Telestial Kingdom.

July 19, 2006

Gifts for the more discerning Mormons

Filed under: ¿Humor? — thehighpriest @ 9:43 pm

As we all know, people are willing to make you a custom built altar so that you can perform inappropriate temple ordinances in the comfort of your own home. But did you know that they will also install additional custom features, similar to the ones listed here?

In your custom family altar, you can have the following installed:

An aquarium

A pizza oven

A planetarium projector

A fold-out dinette set (optional stylish folding chairs are easily stored behind the veil)

or

A 41 inch flat panel television.

Please act now while supplies last.

The choicest fruit: Police Beat

Filed under: DU Police Beat — thehighpriest @ 8:31 pm

As always, we search the Daily Universe for items of interest to our readers.

July10:

Police were called after solicitors were found outside the ASB speaking about casting out devils. They were referred to the dean of student life to gain permission to be allowed to promote their cause.

My question is: What exactly were they selling?

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